Untitled Conversation

"An apology for the devil: It must be remembered that we have heard only one side of the case.  God has written all the books."
-Samuel Butler

And God spake, "I am the Lord, thy God, creator of the Universe, God of Abraham, Isa-”
”Hold on, hold on, wait. I'm sorry. I mean no disrespect, really, I don't. But can we just skip all the pomp and circumstance? I know your little schtick, but it's really unnecessary. Can't we just have a normal conversation without it getting all Biblical? "
God paused for just a moment to allow the firmament to settle. "I apologize. It's a really terrible habit and I've been trying for a few eons now to break it. You know how it is; habits, I mean. The older you get, the harder it is to break them. Well try being eternal some time."
"Ta, mate. Bloody great racket that was, playing death metal on me eardrums. You gotta get with the times. All that King James holier than thou crap, it's old hat. Get yourself a Twitter or something. Update the lingo.  Take a tour of New York City."
"I am everywhere all the time."
"All the noise must get bloody distracting."
"Well... it's not too bad.  Actually, it's a lot quieter now than it has been in centuries.  Nobody really needs me anymore.  They think they do, but most problems are things people can easily solve themselves.  I really just manage to upkeep and let the angels do whatever minor miracles need doing."
"Feeling a bit lonely lately?  I guess that's to be expected.  All those religions down there nowadays, everyone certain they've got it right.  All invoking Jehovah for this, Allah for that, Jesus fucking Christ, oh lord, won't you buy me a Mercedes-Benz?  The wars must be playing hell on your conscience, oh all-loving and all-powerful."
"It's sad really.  I gave mortals free will, conscious, my very image of morality and wisdom, and yet look how some foolish few have squandered my gift.  But there are so many down there, those beautiful masses who innovate, propagate, elevate their communities.  I couldn't be more proud.  This is exactly what I had set out do."
"I s'pose it is.  Cheers on you.  I...ah--ah--choo!"
"God bless you."
"Heh, feeling clever, are you?"
"It's just good manners.  People say it all the time.  You did ask me to, what was it?  Update my lingo?"
"Don't get cheeky with me.  I'm just saying, the whole blessing people after sneezing?  What's up with that anyway?  It's dumb if ya ask me."
"Nobody asked you."
"Silly old superstition.  It's just a sneeze.  You don't bless someone after they burp or fart.  Hell, then the blighter whodunnit need be polite to those around them.  'Excuse me,' he says.  But a sneeze?  'Bless ya.'  Betcha 99% of the morons out there doin' it don't even know why.  Politeness, they think.  They don't even know what they really think is their goddamned souls are gonna fly out their faces.  Like I said, silly superstition.  Like the devil collects souls covered in snot."
"Haha, you make an excellent point.  I guess it is a bit farfetched.  I get enough spam prayers and requests for blessings as is.  I really don't need all these requests to bless human nasal cavities."
"That's the spirit.  Anyway, I digress.  What was I saying?  I don't remember now.  How've you been?"
"So-so.  I've been nostalgic for the good old days.  Not the plagues or the witch hunts or anything like that.  I never really like lording around as God, but I felt I had more of a connection with the people back then.  Like I said, I don't do much in the way of miracles anymore.  No point.  It would just cause more fighting down there so I just stay out of it.  Besides, it would interfere with the free will thing and I don't want to go back on my word."
"Hate being a hypocrite?"
"Well, if you did something that went against your creed, that would just be in character.  But if I were to reverse my stance on something, I'd effectively wipe out all of Creation.  It's a tricky business.  It's not like I haven't thought about putting a stop to the suffering on Earth, the war, the famine, the disease, the death, but in doing so, I'd inadvertently and ironically cause the apocalypse, which just isn't in the cards right now."
"Wait, that's actually coming?"
"Nothing lasts forever.  The sun will expand into a red giant and consume the planet in 4 billion years.  Will humans be around for that?  Who's to say?  It's not my place to prognosticate on such matters.  You'll just have to wait and see.  Do I have a plan?  Is it all random?  It's all a matter of point of view."
"I suppose that's why so many people have stopped believing in you.  Sure, when nobody could explain things, it was easier to blame a deity or three for their lot in life.  But people finally starting to think.  So much can be explained these days that couldn't be before.  And if you don't know it, Google's got the answer.  You're really not much more than a concept anymore, a free radical anachronism who may or may not exist as anything more than idea in the human collective conscious.  Who's to say our conversation is even happening?  The very idea of talking directly to God?  And getting such straightforward answers?  That's ridiculous.  For all we know, this is all just something being read in front of a bloody Creative Writing class as part of an assignment.  We'd never really know."
"I know what you're doing.  Please stop."
"Ha!  Well, you know what they're saying down there?  God is dead.  People don't need you to lay out their morals for them anymore.  It's choice, free will.  The one's who need to put their faith in a higher power are those who can't make moral decisions for themselves.  Every time they do something bad or see some unspeakable horror, they say the devil did.  But you and I, we know the truth.  I don't do anything.  Satan, that's what I was called by the ancient Hebrews, the adversary, the accuser.  All I do is question your actions to make them think and progress.  But all that bad stuff people do?  It isn't me.  You said it yourself: free will.  They do it to themselves.  Great gig I got.  I get to sit up here and laugh."
"Do not invoke my anger, little angel."
"What are you going to do about it?  There I go questioning you again.  You can't do anything to me.  You decreed that I am your adversary.  This is my job.  Unless you want to go against your word, and we both know how that will turn out.  Let's just talk, big guy."
"You're really trying my patience here.  I may restart the universe just so I don't have to deal with you in the next."
"Like you could.  You're nothing more than an outmoded idea, old man.  More people these days invoke me than you.  It's in every swear, every act of vengeance and murder, every time a holiday shopper viciously attacks his fellow man for that sweet deal on an HDTV.  They don't even know that they're doing it, but it's all instinctive.  They're nothing more than animals playing at being more.  Nope, you and I, we're on our way out I think.  Might as well pack it in now."
"Why are you so dead set on convincing me of the folly of my own existence?  What is in it for you?  Certainly, if God does not exist, the devil cannot either."
"I'm a nihilist.  I don't believe that any of this really is, especially you and I.  And I don't think you're nearly as important to the maintenance of the world as you believe.  If you stepped away from it all, who would ever know?  Certainly not either of us.  Certainly not them."
"Maybe you're right.  All of this was getting a bit old anyway.  Maybe I will go away for a while.  Maybe I was never really there at all.  Maybe I am everywhere and all things.  Maybe I am not.  Maybe..."  And just like that, God and the devil just aren't there.

"The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he doesn't exist."
-Charles Baudelaire