ACT I, Scene 2
[Enter Narrator]
NARRATOR: Another fine day finds fabulous fellows frolicking freely in fields of flowers, frivolously fleeing faculty. Fiendish females frown fervently for fool hearty former fiancés who find feckless functions. Or something like that. Alliteration can be hard, and the letter F is fucking difficult to use. To spell it out of you, Adam is wandering the garden naming animals. And he comes across one in particular who may very well change is entire life.
[Enter Serpent. After reaching center stage, he lounges into a chair and begins to sunbathe.]
SERPENT: Oh. My. God. Now this is the life. Just me, a bottle of tanning oil, and an endless paradise. [Swats at mouse.] And it's catered. Alas, poor Yorick, I knew you well, and I'll know you better as you slowly digest. [Swallows mouse.] What a wonderful day. You know what? It's the beginning of time. I can afford to start cliches. "What could possibly go wrong?"
[Enter Adam with several animals]
ADAM: Now what names should you like to be called. I have named you a duck, and you shall be the beaver. [Looks at platypus.] Yeesh! Er... We shall decide on you later, I think. This will be a cow and you, my furry little friend, you are much like the dog, so you shall have a fun name. [Scratches cat on the belly and instantly recoils from cat's claws.] And quick like your temper. You will be a cat.
[Adam comes across the Serpent lounging.]
ADAM: Ah, hello my friend. I do not believe I have had the pleasure of coming across one of you in the Garden so far.
SERPENT: And you'll never meet another like me, sweetheart. I am one of the kind, absolutely, positively, super duper original me! So, what you up to, hot stuff?
ADAM: Well, I was asked... I was told by my wonderful, beautiful, perfect wife, Eve to go out and look for a job. But what rotten luck, nobody is hiring. So instead, I have come to this glade and decided to name the animals for fun.
SERPENT: Nothing on Netflix? Been there. Well, lay it on me, big man. Hit me with your best shot. Fire away. What are you going to call little old me?
ADAM: Hmm... I think I will call you... Snake!
SERPENT: Yuck! No way, honey. I'm sorry, but I think we can both do better than that.
ADAM: What is wrong with a snake? I think "snake" is a great name.
SERPENT: Yours truly is a one hundred percent bonafide reptilian hunk. I never have been and never will be a "snake". Snake sounds like something that slithers on its belly. Do you see these sexy, muscular arms? Check out these legs, baby. I am no snake! I do like that hisssss though. We should keep that. Let's work on it. Hisssssssss... Hmm. Sardonyx? No, too rocky. Snail? Definitely not. Shi... Shar... Shad... Shatner? Too spacey. Silky, snippy, spud, stud?
ADAM: Oy vey! You are truly one very sassy animal, my friend.
SERPENT: You're damn right, I'm a regular Sasquatch! Wait! Don't you dare call me a Sasquatch. In fact, never call anything a Sasquatch. Or a porcupine for that matter. Now let's see. Hissss Santa? I don't have claws. Scalos, Stripple, Satan, Sugar, ah-hah! I've got it. Call me Stanley!
ADAM: Stanley? I like it. You will now be known as Stanley. Wait, no, I think I already named a Stanley. How about just Stan?
SERPENT: It's Stanley or bust, sweetheart.
ADAM: I see we will never reach an accord on this. Perhaps a different name? If you are so set on the letter "S", I came up with a good one this morning, but nobody wanted it. How do you feel about "Serpent"?
SERPENT: Serpent? Serpent... Ser-Pent. It rolls off the tongue. SSsssserpent. I. LOVE IT! I can't wait to tweet about this to everyone. Selfie time. Smile! Oh, this is so going up on my news feed. I have a name.
ADAM: L'chaim!
SERPENT: You ain't too bad, Adam. You ever need help with anything, the Serpent is your guy. Yup, absolutely nothing sinister or foreboding about me. You need advice, you just ask your old pal, the Serpent. Well, I've got a long day of sunbathing ahead of me. Toodles.
[Exeunt Adam and Serpent]
NARRATOR: And so it was written and so I am reading it, word for word, without embellishment of any kind that such a fateful meeting that very day would bring about the end of innocence and everlasting bliss. Who could have foreseen the events to come? Certainly not the Serpent with his sinister and foreboding words. Certainly not Adam who was, according to his wife, a few peas short of a pod. And certainly not Eve who wasn't even in this scene.
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